by Dr. Ginsburg
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QUESTION: I have a girl who is a really good player but she never shoots the ball because she is worried that she is going to upset her teammates. She cares more about being liked than being good. Is this normal? What do I do?

ANSWER: It is not uncommon for girls to place higher value on their relationships with teammates than on their individual performance. Girls are more relational in nature. Some theorists believe that this interpersonal style dates back to the earliest of times when women collaborated to care for children and elderly members of the tribe while their male counterparts took greater risks through hunting and protecting the tribe from outsiders. As my colleagues and former stellar athletes, Dr. Nicole Danforth (MGH/Boston) and Jenifer Fulcher (Williston Northampton School), often say, girls in sports sometimes need permission to be aggressive. They may need to understand that their teammates want them to shoot the ball to help the team be successful. That said, in this instance there may be some hesitance to do so out uncertainty as to how this girl's teammates will interpret her actions. A good coach can mitigate these conflicts by clearly articulating roles in the team. A parent can be supportive by being sensitive to the pulls of belonging to the group while also encouraging her daughter to take pride in her talent and accomplishments. "Honey, I think it's great that you are such a great team player, but it's also ok to step it up and take the shot when the opportunity presents itself." As girls get older, this problem typically becomes less prevalent as the level of play and competition rises and assertive play is more socially acceptable.

Dr. Ginsburg co-directs the Massachusetts General Hospital Performance and Character Excellence in Sports (PACES) Institute of Sports Psychology.